


hold my hand and try to keep up

by strawhatmikans



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Typical high school shenanigans, changbin is a Good Friend too, hyunlix are best friends who love each other a lot, jisung is also a Good Friend, lax bro hyunjin, second semester seniors stray kids, seunglix are founders and editors in chief of a humor mag!, seungmin is a Good Friend, this is just me projecting im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:54:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawhatmikans/pseuds/strawhatmikans
Summary: Senior year is a really inconvenient time to be having a crisis about your best friend. Here Felix is anyway, hooked on Hyunjin's smile and fully aware that graduation is only months away.





	1. i wanna stay like this forever

**Author's Note:**

> for stray typous, always

It’s the kind of night that settles in Felix’s bones and makes him feel strong enough to reach up and cup the moon in his palms, knuckles grazing the stars. He’s standing at the school’s back entrance with his hands tucked into the warmth of his favorite jacket that’s a size too big. Hyunjin, a little speck in the distance, walks towards him from the athletic fields. 

Felix rocks back on his heels. As soon as Hyunjin’s close enough that Felix can make out the small embroidered “Hwang” on his varsity jacket, Hyunjin tries to make a big heart over his head. Tries, because all he really manages to do is hit himself in the face with his lacrosse stick.  He grins, unabashed, and sends Felix a finger heart with his free hand instead. Felix laughs out loud, breath puffing out like smoke in the cold air, and he feels so light he might lift right off the ground.

“You waited,” Hyunjin says, jogging the last few steps. A strand of hair sticks up awkwardly on the side of his head.

Felix reaches up to pat it down. “Of course I did. I texted you that I would, dumbass.” 

“I know.” Hyunjin grins. “I saw.”

“Then stop looking so surprised,” Felix grumbles, looping his thumbs in the straps of his backpack.

“I’m just happy, that’s all.” 

They walk through the empty school courtyard. No one’s here anymore, except for the sports team people (Hyunjin) and the good friends who wait for said sports team people (Felix). Even the music composition students who are frantically trying to finish their final projects (Seungmin and Changbin) don’t stay at the school studios  _ this _ late.

“How was practice?”

“Shitty. Coach yelled at everyone again, threw a water bottle at Jisung, and told Minho to quit and not come back until he figures his shit out.” Hyunjin absently swings his lacrosse stick. To the front, back, all the way around and repeat.

Felix snorts. “The usual stuff?”

“Yeah, just the usual. We’re really trying to get city champs this year though, so hopefully Minho isn’t too pissed and comes back to practice tomorrow. How was waiting for me?”

Felix knocks his shoulder against Hyunjin’s. Of course, Hyunjin doesn’t even wobble; his stupid grin only grows wider. “You mean how was studying in the cafe? Because I got lots of work done. Math, check. Econ essay, done. I even edited some of this month’s submissions to the _Cola Can_. Had to tell some freshmen that they’re really not that funny and should maybe submit to our school’s real, dry ass newspaper instead.” 

Hyunjin laughs his big, unrestrainedly happy laugh, and Felix has to fight to keep the sides of his mouth from pulling upwards. “So I had a great time being productive at the cafe, thanks for asking.” 

“Total coincidence that you finished working just as lax practice ended, right?”

“I hate you,” Felix says, and the smile on his lips kind of ruin the effect but whatever. “I should’ve just gone home with Changbin. I’d be home by now, lying on my bed in my pajamas—”

“Wow, you’re breaking my heart, Felix Lee.” Hyunjin wipes an imaginary tear from his cheek and like the absolute drama queen he is, spreads his arms out and takes a step towards the speeding cars on the street. 

A laugh startles its way past Felix’s lips in the way it only ever does around Hyunjin. Felix grabs the back of Hyunjin’s ridiculous varsity jacket, fingers curled around the number 9, and yanks him away from the cars. Hyunjin easily stumbles back into Felix’s chest, all loose-limbs and deadweight. Then Felix pokes him the side and Hyunjin yelps, leaping away. 

They stop by the little deli just outside of the subway station. Hyunjin has to duck the slightest bit to get past the doorway, and Felix can’t help but remember when they were both tiny seventh graders buying cup noodles, Cheetos, and Monster for lunch. Hyunjin didn’t have to duck under anything back then. 

Felix shakes his head, smiling, and abandons that train of thought for six-foot-tall high school _senior_ Hyunjin, who’s waving two different bags of chips in his face and being an all-around menace as usual. 

“See, BBQ Fritos are better but these plantain chips are healthier _and_ cheaper! Help me choose,” Hyunjin whines. The Fritos almost hit Felix in the cheek.

“Stop pretending like you’re not gonna just buy both and go pay, you giant loser.” Felix swats the Fritos away.

“First he says he should’ve chosen Changbin— _Changbin's emo ass_ —over me, now he’s calling me fat—” Hyunjin says loudly as he slides between Felix and the shelf to get to the cashier. For good measure, he whacks Felix on the butt with the Fritos. 

“Oh my god,” Felix laughs, and shoves Hyunjin hard enough that he bumps into rows of cup noodles. Hyunjin cackles obnoxiously all the way to the cashier.

Felix has no idea why the two of them are still allowed in this deli. Poor _Seungmin_ , that absolute angel, was banned last year for starting a fight with a couple of chorus seniors who were talking shit about Jeongin. Felix grins at the thought. He wasn’t there for it, but apparently Seungmin really went off. 

April of senior year is turning out to be a stupidly sentimental time, and Felix feels like an old man at seventeen. He keeps finding himself thinking fondly about his high school years, which is ridiculous because it’s not like he’s _left_ high school already. It’s not like he doesn’t still see his friends’ dumb faces every single day. It’s not like Hyunjin’s already three hundred miles away from Felix and so, so far out of reach. 

“Hey, I thought of new choreo today,” he says as they walk out of the deli, because he’s not supposed to think about college yet. “Maybe we can teach it for the meeting this Thursday?” He wraps his fingers around Hyunjin’s wrist, because Hyunjin’s still here, still real and solid and he _can_ still hold on to him.

“Sure,” Hyunjin hums, and rips open the BBQ Fritos sideways like he’s been doing since seventh grade even though everyone has told him a million times that that’s the  _stupid_ way to open snack bags. “You can teach it to me tomorrow. Lunch?”

Felix nods. They’re co-presidents of their school’s dance club, and it’s technically Hyunjin’s turn to teach choreo this week, but they don’t really follow the schedule. Whoever happens to have choreo to teach that week usually just does it, and when no one does, they learn one together and co-lead the meeting. It’s a good system.

“Swipe me in?” Hyunjin asks sheepishly as they reach the subway station.

“Okay, but only if you let me eat half of your plantain chips,” Felix says, rolling his eyes. It’s a bit of an empty bargain, because Felix always eats half his plantain chips anyway and Hyunjin never has his metrocard. Felix always swipes him in, the two of them squeezing through the turnstile at the same time. It doesn’t work as well as it used to, mostly because Hyunjin’s like twice the size of his middle school self, but if they squish a little bit it works out.

The grating sound of a train pulling into the station fills the air. Felix grins, suddenly thinking of something as they sprint towards the stairs. “Hey, what do you smell?”

Hyunjin’s lips immediately curl into a smile. He sniffs the air dramatically. The subway never smells like anything but urine and rain soggy trash, but Hyunjin grins confidently anyway and says, “E train, bet?”

Felix snorts. “It’s definitely the M.”

They reach the bottom of the stairs just as the train doors are opening. “E!” Hyunjin crows in victory, just a little bit out of breath.

“Whatever, I have the better track record.” Felix rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling like an idiot. It’s something they used to always do, pretending they could smell which train was coming. And for the record, Felix  _ was  _ better at it than Hyunjin.

The doors chime shut behind them. Felix used to hate his train commute, but now, with barely any homework to get home to do and no bone-deep junior year exhaustion making everything depressing and horrible, an hour on the train is just another hour with Hyunjin. In the spring, their extracurriculars keep them at school so late that when they finally get on the train, the cars are mostly empty. And because they’re seventeen (though Hyunjin’s eighteen already, as he keeps reminding everyone) and kind of high on second semester senior year, they do stupid things like hang upside down from the handholds and try stunts they’ve seen subway dancers perform.

“I love nights like these,” Hyunjin says, smile upside down, shirt slipping, hair flopping off his forehead, knees hooked over the handrails. 

Felix hangs upside down beside him, something swooping in his stomach. “I wanna stay like this forever,” he says, except he’s not sure what he means by “this” because blood is already rushing to his head and he swings his legs back down to the ground just a few seconds later.

Senior year has proven to be full of nights like this. Felix doesn’t really know what to do with them—a weird thing to think about nights. But the days are melting into one another all too fast and Felix can’t seem to shake the feeling that he needs to  _ grasp  _ these warm, half-dark nights like they’re precious, and transform their buzzing energy into something tangible.

  
  
  
  


Later, Hyunjin’s smile is technicolor in a fleeting mix of street lights and white LED and dirty bus window as Felix waves goodbye. The bus pulls away and the night stretches out before him like a yawning mouth, suddenly darker than before.

_ Get home safe!!  _ Felix texts Hyunjin as he walks the last few streets home.  _Don’t sleep past your stop_. 

Hyunjin sends an eyeroll emoji back. 

Ten minutes later, Felix’s phone pings with a new message from Hyunjin.

_ shit i fell asleep _

  
  
  
  


+++++

  
  
  
  


“What are you doing,” Changbin says flatly, sticking his head around the door to the  _Cola Can_ office. It’s almost six in the evening.

“What do you mean what am I doing, this is my office.” Felix kicks his feet up onto the sole table in the room for emphasis. It’s uncomfortable, given that the office is maybe six square feet in size. Felix and Seungmin have a theory that the administration simply has no sense of humor and are trying their best to make the  _Cola Can_ go out of print. For example, giving them by far the tiniest office of all the publications. Even  _Violet_ has a bigger office, and all kids do there is Juul instead of going to class. “What are  _you_ doing here?”

Changbin squeezes past the door and accidentally sends a pile of last month’s issues spilling all over the floor. “Uh, this is my office too.”

Felix rolls his eyes. “Sorry, I forgot you were a senior editor. Since, you know, you haven’t  _submitted any revisions since January_.” 

Changbin grins cheekily and parks his butt right on top of Felix’s papers on the table. “Okay, while I’d love for my editor in chief to continue roasting me for not doing my job even though he’s the one who forced me to join the staff against my will in the first place, an important question: are you waiting for Hyunjin again?”

Felix squints. “Yes?”

Changbin starts cackling. For him, this is a much needed and very entertaining break from going stir-crazy in the recording studios with Seungmin.

“What. Why is that an important question?”

“Sorry, sorry,” Changbin says, not looking sorry at all. “Where’s Seungmin’s portable charger? He sent me to get it for him.”

Felix squints suspiciously at him, but reaches around his laptop and grabs Seungmin’s portable charger anyway.

Changbin takes it from him and tries not to look too amused. 

Apparently he fails, because Felix glowers at him. 

Changbin grins and reaches out to pinch Felix’s cheek. “You’ll figure it out. Seungmin sends his love and superior sense of humor, his words not mine.”

Felix snorts. “Tell Seungmin he’s fired.”

“I’m pretty sure you can’t fire your fellow editor in chief.”

Felix sticks his hand in his bag, looking for a pen. Then, on a wrinkled post-it note, he writes:  _ Dear Kim Seungmin, you’re fired. XOXO your editor in chief, Lee Felix. _

Changbin sighs. Why are all his friends so dramatic? 

With a smug, self-satisfied smirk, Felix hands Changbin the post-it. “By the way, I did all your revisions for this month already. Go write emo lyrics or whatever it is that you do instead of revisions all the time.”

“First, Seungmin and I are both working hard on our music composition final projects, thanks for asking. Why do you never accuse  _him_ of writing emo lyrics? Second, you’re my favorite editor in chief,” Changbin says, finally hopping off Felix’s desk and leaving him to his work (work meaning watching try not to laugh compilations on YouTube).

“Only editor in chief!” Felix yells after him.

  
  
  
  


+++++

  
  
  
  


“What are you doing here?”

“ _Why does everyone keep asking me that_ ,” Felix exclaims, spinning around in the _Cola Can’s_ creaky, old, but obscenely comfy office chair to see Seungmin standing in the doorway. 

Seungmin raises his hands, palms out, feigning innocence. He smirks. “You’re right. We don’t have to ask to know that you’re waiting for Hyunjin.”

Felix groans and drops his face onto the desk. “We take the same train and bus, okay. No one else does. It’s not like I’m going to let Hyunjin take the train and bus home alone every night.”

Seungmin shrugs and perches on the desk exactly where Changbin had done so and proceeded to terrorize him from two days ago. “What a good best friend,” Seungmin coos.

Felix glares. “Why are you here.”

“Oh right, you fired me.” Seungmin cranes his neck, sticks his face right next to Felix’s and peers at his laptop screen. He glances pointedly at the rows and rows of unread emails in the  _Cola Can_ inbox, then smiles serenely. “Guess I’ll just leave you alone with all these submissions then.”

Felix whines and wraps his arms around Seungmin’s middle. “No, please stay. You’re better at sending rejection emails.”

Seungmin laughs, makes Felix scooch over, and for the next hour, they go through submissions together while singing along to trashy top 40 music. The _Cola Can_ is their baby, founded two years ago when they were just mere sophomores who were told by too many of the school’s existing publications that their humor didn’t exactly fit with their “style.” Now, Felix daresays, the _Cola Can_ is the _best_ publication in this school. 

At some point, Felix goes out to buy them snacks from the vending machine. When he gets back, Seungmin has taken over the entire office chair. Felix decides to choose his battles and settles with sitting cross-legged on the floor and throwing a pen at Seungmin.

Seungmin idly spins around in his chair and munches on a bag of mini Oreos, productivity completely abandoned. Felix isn’t much better––he’s scrolling through his Facebook feed, stopping to tag Chan in a funny video.

Seungmin, because he loves talking, opens his big mouth. “Okay, I’m only here right now cause I just handed in my final project and suddenly have no idea what to do after school anymore. Real withdrawal symptoms. Like, going home at 2:30? Impossible.” Seungmin sticks out a foot out to stop the chair mid-spin, facing Felix. He raises his eyebrow and all of a sudden Felix feels like he’s being scrutinized under a high power microscope. He looks away, uncomfortable. After a moment, Seungmin continues. “But you? Dude, it’s almost six pm and school is ending in like, a month and two days. You’re here every day. What are you doing.”

Felix still doesn’t meet Seungmin’s eyes. “Just say I’m pathetic and have no life and call it a day.”

“You’re pathetic and you have no life,” Seungmin says without hesitation. Then, softer, in a tone so discerning and sincere Felix can barely bear it: “A month and two days is still a long time. Don’t waste it.”

  
  
  
  
Hours later, as Felix watches Hyunjin and the bus disappear into the night, he can’t help but hear Seungmin’s voice in his head. _A month and one day now_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was planning to post this as a one shot but i wanted to post, like, sometime this year, so i decided to just split it up. i have some of the second part written and hopefully having the first part up already will encourage me to finish it faster!! love y'all, here's a bit of part II:
>
>> “You’re my favorite,” Hyunjin declares, making grabby hands at Felix.
>> 
>> Felix rolls his eyes, but complies, going over so Hyunjin can wrap his long tentacle arms around him. Hyunjin smells like grass and cheap alcohol.
>> 
>> Jisung wolf-whistles like the obnoxious shit he is, and Changbin fake-gags.
>> 
>> “Get a room,” Jeongin screeches.
>> 
>> “Fine, we will,” Hyunjin shoots back, climbing to his feet just a little unsteadily and wrapping his hand around Felix’s wrist. “Bye losers. You guys get early heart attacks and I get Felix, I think I win here.”
>> 
>> Hyunjin grins smugly and tugs Felix out of the room. Hyunjin’s hand is too warm on his wrist.  
> 


	2. on top of the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i lied. this is a three parter now!! because what is now going to be part 3 unexpectedly got kinda long and the end of this chapter cuts off naturally so,,, never believe me about anything hsdnsjdn

When JYP High School wins boys lacrosse city championships for the first time in seven years, Felix is in the stands, surrounded by his cheering friends and voice hoarse from screaming and eye black smudged. He’s definitely not crying.

“I’m not crying,” he says through the noise to Changbin. “I’m _not_.”

Changbin only laughs, delighted, and tucks Felix into his arms. Seungmin throws himself into the hug, then Woojin, then it’s a whole big mess of a group hug and Felix is so happy he can barely think straight.

On the field, the entire team is sprinting towards their goalie. Hyunjin gets to him first, and tackles him into a hug that makes Felix wince in sympathy. Jeongin soon disappears under a pile of his teammates.

Felix can see Coach Wong on the sideline surreptitiously wiping away a single tear, then a half second later, yelling at the boys to line up and high five the other team. _Come on let’s show some good sportsmanship! Hurry up! Lee Minho I want to see you run!_

Minho rolls his eyes, but his grin only widens. He picks up his pace, slinging his arm around an openly crying Jisung’s shoulders and dragging him along.

Felix laughs into Seungmin’s shoulder. He loves these people so fucking much.

 

 

Hyunjin is so obviously trying not to cry when he walks up to receive his medal. His face is all scrunched up weirdly and Felix can tell from all the way up in the stands that he’s biting his lip. He looks ridiculous, and Felix loves him a lot.

So Felix stands up, cups his hands around his mouth, and yells as loud as he can: “I LOVE YOU HWANG HYUNJIN!” Because what are best friends for?

Hyunjin startles, cheeks flushing a deep red and a smile breaking across his face. He lights up—not euphoric and triumphant like when he’d scored that final goal in the last ten seconds and realized that they’d _won_ , but secret and proud and a little embarrassed because there are hundreds of people in this stadium but that was for _him_.

Felix grins. _There we go_ , he thinks. Then: _Your smile is my favorite thing in the world_.

Well, fuck.

Seungmin shoots him a look, and all Felix can do is smile weakly back.

 

 

Later, Hyunjin runs up the stands with a medal around his neck and the worst helmet hair and the first thing he does is hug Felix so hard that Felix has to laugh into Hyunjin’s dirt-streaked uniform, “I’m really proud of you Hyunjinnie, but I need to breathe.”

“Oops, sorry,” Hyunjin says sheepishly, letting go, but his hands are still resting on Felix’s hips and he’s smiling that secret smile again and Felix still can’t breathe.

 

 

+++++

 

 

No one pretends that the annual lacrosse sleepover is anything but an excuse for teenage debauchery. Someone’s house gets trashed, mistakes are made, some kid inevitably distributes weed gummies and Chan has an aneurysm (“there are _freshmen_ here, _please_ ”). In short, it’s a riot.

Technically, it’s only for the lacrosse team. But Felix, Seungmin, Changbin, and Woojin have been honorary guests for as long as anyone can remember and nobody blinks an eye when Felix, Seungmin, and Woojin show up with Hyunjin and Changbin shows up with Chan and Jisung.

“This a room full of my favorite people and my favorite drinks, I love lax sleepover so fucking much,” Jisung declares, enthusiastically ushering everyone into Minho’s basement like it’s his own house.

Felix doesn’t even like parties much. Alcohol’s okay, getting digital evidence of his friends doing stupid things is pretty great, but lots of people and noise and no breathing room for more than an hour at a time just tires Felix out. But he has to agree with Jisung on this one—lax sleepover is the absolute fucking best.

“You all are my favorite kids,” Chan says at some point to the loose circle of people sitting on Minho’s basement floor and Felix feels something twinge in his chest. He looks around and wonders if this is the last time they’re all going to be sitting around in someone’s free house (Minho’s parents are away for the weekend) on a Friday night and laughing way too loudly about Jisung’s ridiculous Never Have I Ever story (he has a lot of those).

Hyunjin nudges him. “What’s up?”

Hyujin’s face is too bright even in the dimly lit basement, too much like a flashing neon sign reminding Felix of everything he’s about to lose to time and distance. It’s not so much a choice as it is a gut reaction, a flinch, to look away.

“Nothing,” he says as convincingly as he can.

Hyunjin looks like he doesn’t believe him, but then Jisung’s dragging them into some game and he seems to forget about it.

Felix forgets about it too. Parties are good for that.

 

 

“No, no, nope, we’re not watching a horror movie.”

“Hyunjin, you wimp. Come on, it has really good reviews.”

“Yeah, for being _terrifying_.” Hyunjin glances around the room and quickly realizes he’s outnumbered. He slouches defeatedly into the couch. “I hate you all.”

Felix groans from his spot on the floor, head tilted back against the armrest of the couch. “Why can’t we just watch _The Secret Life of Pets_ or something?”

“You’re my favorite,” Hyunjin declares, making grabby hands at Felix. “I always knew you were my favorite.”

Felix rolls his eyes, but complies, going over so Hyunjin can wrap his long tentacle arms around him. Hyunjin smells like grass and cheap alcohol.

Jisung wolf-whistles like the obnoxious shit he is, and Changbin fake-gags.

“Get a room,” Jeongin screeches.

“Fine, we will,” Hyunjin shoots back, climbing to his feet just a little unsteadily and wrapping his hand around Felix’s wrist. “Bye losers. You guys get early heart attacks and I get Felix, I think I win here.”

Hyunjin grins smugly and tugs Felix out of the room. Hyunjin’s hand is too warm on his wrist. They manage to stumble up the stairs with minor bumping into the walls, and Felix feels weird, like his heart doesn’t belong to his body anymore. It’s a visceral feeling, to be acutely aware of the blood pumping through his heart.

Somehow they end up in Minho’s tiny kitchen with Minho’s old laptop and a clumsily microwaved bag of popcorn. With some maneuvering, they manage to settle with lying on their stomachs in front of the laptop, popcorn tucked between their elbows and ankles brushing.

 _My last lax sleepover and I’m lying on a kitchen floor watching an animated bunny try to commit homicide for an hour and thirty minutes_ , Felix thinks drowsily. Hyunjin is warm against his side and he’s sure there are actually other things happening in the movie besides bunny homicide but he’s too sleepy and distracted and buzzed to pay attention.

Hyunjin laughs at something, and Felix can feel his breath brush against his cheek. The warm, familiar sound fills the small space and Felix feels it wash over him, tickling his scalp and traveling down to his toes.

 

 

Later, though Felix isn’t sure how much later—the laptop screen has gone black and everything’s quiet in the house, the others probably asleep—they’ve turned onto their backs, the cold floor seeping through the thin material of Felix’s shirt.

He’s awake, kind of. He’s been drifting in and out of sleep. From the sound of his breathing, Hyunjin’s awake too.

“Hey,” Felix says softly into the silence. “How’re you feeling?” He turns his head towards Hyunjin and presses his cheek against the cool tiled floor.

Hyunjin looks serene, face tilted up at the ceiling, eyes closed, eyelashes brushing against prettily flushed cheeks. Felix’s eyes trace the slope of his nose and the curve of his forehead. It’s nice like this, the house quiet, everyone asleep, kitchen dark except for the faint moonlight spilling from the window. Just the two of them lying on the floor in someone’s cramped kitchen with nothing to worry about anymore. “On top of the world.”

“I knew you could do it.”

Hyunjin cracks open one eye and stares at Felix. “Do what?”

Felix raises an eyebrow. “You know, win the city championships?”

Hyunjin’s ears flush an interesting shade of red. “Oh! Yeah, that.” The flush travels down the side of his neck, and Hyunjin immediately shuts his eye again. “That’s what I was talking about,” he rambles, and the flush goes right under his collar.

Felix narrows his eyes, suddenly a little more awake. “What else were you talking about, Hyunjinnie?”

Hyunjin makes a face, crinkles forming around his eyes and bottom lip shoved out in a ridiculous pout.

“Come on, tell me,” Felix whines, prodding Hyunjin in the side.

Hyunjin squirms. “Stop, stop making fun of me, you jerk.”

“I’m not making fun of you.” _Poke in the ribs._ “Tell me.”

“I’m not even looking at you and I can see the _mean_ smile on your face, Lee Felix.” Hyunjin mumbles, and tries to roll away from Felix.

Too bad for Hyunjin the kitchen is barely two meters wide and Felix knows exactly where he’s most ticklish.

Even so, Hyunjin must not be trying very hard because all too suddenly, Felix is sitting on Hyunjin’s stomach, fingers wrapped around his wrists and adrenaline making his head spin.

Hyunjin’s face is turned away, eyes not meeting Felix’s. The flush is still there, high on his cheeks. Felix doesn’t have to touch his own cheeks to know that they’re warm too. “Tell me,” he whines, leaning down. Which is a mistake, because Hyunjin turns his head and then their noses are only inches apart. The air escapes out of Felix’s lungs all at once, leaving him dizzy and lightheaded.

“You’re kinda heavy for such a small person,” Hyunjin huffs.

Felix glares and lets go off one of Hyunjin’s wrists to pinch him in the side. “Shut up, don’t change the subject.”

Hyunjin yelps. “Okay, okay, get off me and I’ll tell you.”

“I’m not getting off until you tell me.”

“I can’t tell you while you’re _sitting on me_.”

Felix squints. “Why the fuck not?”

“Your face,” Hyunjin says, waving his free hand around awkwardly. “Is. Kind of close.”

“Oh,” Felix breathes, cause what the fuck else is he supposed to say to that. “Okay.”

He had just been joking around, making Hyunjin tell him what he was thinking. But there’s suddenly something else and Felix feels a little blindsided. He rolls off of Hyunjin.

They face each other. The cool tile against Felix’s cheek is the only thing keeping him from floating away. He feels like a fool.

Hyunjin searches his face, and Felix watches his eyes travel from his nose to his cheek to his chin. Hyunjin closes his eyes, then, all at once: “IfeelontopoftheworldcauseI’mwithyou.”

“What?”

Hyunjin sighs, cracks one eye open. “I was talking about you.”

“You mean,” Felix starts. Stops. Short circuits. It’s too late at night (early in the morning?) for his neurons to be firing. “You meant me? When you said.”

“When I said.”

“...You feel on top of the world?” Felix hates how his voice goes up at the end of the sentence, nervous and unsure.

“Sometimes you’re really,” Hyunjin wraps his fingers around Felix’s collar, “really slow.” He tugs.

It’s a gentle, fleeting thing when their lips brush. Almost like an accident. The next morning, it will feel like a figment of Felix’s imagination—a vague, unsure memory that he isn’t sure if he wants to be real or not.

But in that moment, Hyunjin’s lips are warm and chapped and irrefutably, acutely real. When he pulls away, something shakes loose in Felix’s chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on oddly specific real life events. anyways, next (and last! i swEAr) chapter is the fallout whooop
>
>> “Sorry I woke you up.” Felix hovers awkwardly just inside Hyunjin’s doorway.
>> 
>> “I wasn’t sleeping.” Hyunjin tosses him a pair of sweatpants and a shirt Felix sort of recalls Hyunjin getting at lacrosse championships last year. Why are all of Hyunjin’s clothes lacrosse related, Felix thinks with an irrational twinge of annoyance. “I texted you, didn’t I?”
>> 
>> “You did.” 
>> 
>> Hyunjin looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands anymore. “You, um,” he waves a hand vaguely at Felix. “My jacket.”
>> 
>> Felix flinches despite himself. He feels his cheeks warming, and he immediately begins slipping it off.
>> 
>> “No, wait,” Hyunjin exclaims, then immediately looks like he regrets ever opening his mouth. Felix pauses, his arm halfway out of the jacket. Hyunjin opens and closes his mouth a few times, floundering like a fish out of water. “I didn’t mean like, give it back right now. I don’t mind you wearing it. You look good wearing it.” Hyunjin’s bright red, like stop sign red or ketchup red and fuck, Felix is apparently kind of short-circuiting too because ketchup? He hates ketchup.
>> 
>> “I was just,” Hyunjin gestures vaguely again. “Making an observation. That you’re wearing my jacket.”


	3. you'll always be my day one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I AM DEEPLY SORRY IT'S BEEN 10 YEARS PLEASE FORGIVE ME :') this is extremely unedited but i pushed through and finished it; i don't think it's too shabby? thank you all for sticking w me, enjoy!

“What are you doing.”

Felix jumps, and when he turns around, he’s greeted with Changbin’s utterly unimpressed face. “What do you mean what am I doing, I’m leaving the school like a normal person—”

“Felix. Are you a normal person?”

Felix sputters. 

“It’s 2:37. You’re leaving the school? By yourself?”

The answering silence is more telling than anything.

Changbin heaves a sigh so exasperated that it could rival Ms. Ahn’s when she catches Felix sleeping in Physics. Then he starts walking, snagging Felix’s wrist as he walks past and dragging him along through the back doors of the school.

“Help, I’m being abducted,” Felix mumbles, flailing around halfheartedly.

That makes Changbin draw to a sudden stop just outside of the doors. He turns Felix around to face him and proceeds to scrutinize him for an uncomfortably long time. Felix fidgets.

“You’re being all sad and un-Felix-like and I don’t like it,” Changbin finally says. He flicks Felix gently on the forehead. “Why aren’t you talking back? Where’s that smile? Look at these eye bags. You’re basically catatonic.”

Felix squirms under Changbin’s unblinking gaze and doesn’t reply.

Changbin sighs. “Okay, since you’re not going to say anything I’ll just tell you that Hyunjin’s an idiot too and already left with Seungmin, so you don’t have to sneak out of the school like this to avoid him.”

Felix blinks, surprised, and tries to ignore the sharp, brief pang of hurt in his chest. “...He’s avoiding me.” It’s not a question.

Changbin stares for a second, then pulls Felix into a firm hug. His voice is softer than before when he says into Felix’s shoulder, “Hey, you’re avoiding him too. Come on, let’s go get food somewhere and you can tell me all about it, okay? You guys are going to be fine.”

Felix nods and takes a deep breath. Changbin’s usually right. 

  
  
  
  


Felix tells Changbin everything over bowls of cheesy ramen and a shared roll of kimbap. Changbin’s good at things like this, listening to his friends with minimal judgement and a kind of casual air that makes it easy to pretend that whatever the problem is isn’t as big of a deal as it seems.

Felix scrapes a piece of scallion off the side of his bowl. Hyunjin had acted completely normal the morning after the lax sleepover, if not a little bit hungover. And Felix hadn’t had the guts to act any different. But now they’re both avoiding each other and it’s only been a day but everything sucks already. “I don’t even know if Hyunjin remembers. He drank a lot,” Felix says around a bite of kimbap. He swallows, and after a moment, adds, “Maybe the whole thing was just Jisung’s flask of Fireball speaking.”

Changbin makes a face. Fireball is nasty and Jisung has terrible taste. “He didn’t drink more than he normally would. Besides, he didn’t have anything after like, twelve. He knew what he was doing.”

“Okay, so why’s he avoiding me?”

“Emotional constipation,” Changbin shrugs. “I’m sure you can relate.”

Felix glares and mentally takes back what he said about minimal judgement.

“Sorry,” Changbin snickers unapologetically. “But come on, you can’t expect Hyunjin to just... _know_ that you’re madly in love with him.”

“I’m—” Felix opens his mouth to protest, then seems to think better of it and shuts it, his cheeks tinged pink.

Changbin looks far too amused and Felix kind of wants to crawl under the table and hide forever. “Thank god, I thought for a second that I was going to have to forcibly drag you out of denial.” Under his breath, Changbin mutters, “I should’ve taken Seungmin’s bet.”

_“Taken Seungmin’s—"_

“Anyway,” Changbin says loudly. “Hyunjin kissed you first. Now you’re avoiding him. What’s he supposed to think? I think—” Changbin puts his chopsticks down, chews his lip the way that he does when he’s thinking carefully about lyrics. After a long moment, he continues. “I think that it’s your move now. The ball’s in your court. Hyunjin reached out a hand, all you have to do is take it.”

Felix lowers his gaze. Oh, how badly he wants it to be as simple as that. It’s so hard not to let Changbin’s words sink into him, convince him that this whole mess is just Hyunjin and Felix and nothing else. Changbin has given him the control, and Felix wants nothing more than to believe that he can have what he wants as long as he reaches out and grasps it. But he knows that there are some things he can’t hold on to. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” he says, pushing around the remaining pieces of scallion floating sadly on the surface of the ramen broth. “College is a thing, remember?”

Changbin is quiet for a long, long time. 

When Felix finally looks up, Changbin is chewing thoughtfully on a mouthful of kimbap. He swallows, wipes his mouth with a napkin, and says: “You’re not going to go off to college and stop talking to me, are you?”

Felix blinks, taken by surprise. “Of course not,” he says immediately. He doesn’t even need to think about it.

“Good,” Changbin smiles, big and genuine and unabashedly affectionate. “So have a little more faith. If you’re not going to stop talking to me, your most useless _Cola Can_ staff member, you and Hyunjin are going to be more than fine. You two are like gum and those desks in room 419. Annoying and inseparable and kinda gross. College isn’t the end of the world—you know that already. It’s just so much scarier when it comes to Hyunjin because he means so, so much to you. Don’t be scared! No matter what happens, I know you guys will find a way to make it work. Okay?”

It doesn’t solve everything, but it does make a couple of important pieces slide into place and suddenly the days ahead don’t feel so daunting anymore. 

“Okay,” Felix says simply, because he isn’t sure how to put how grateful he is for Changbin into actual words. “When did you get so smart,” Felix mutters into his glass of water. It’s okay, he knows Changbin will get it.

“I’ve been acting as your brain for years, dumbass. You’d be dead in a ditch without me by now,” Changbin replies, not missing a beat.

Felix grins. Changbin gets it.

  
  
  
  


+++++

  
  
  
  


Felix isn’t someone who needs to be around people. He doesn’t mind being alone, sometimes even craves it. He’s never been the one to text the group chat and ask if anyone wants to come with him somewhere or meet up after school. He likes people, but he doesn’t get lonely just because he’s by himself.

Felix isn’t someone who needs to be around people, but here he is, shuffling his feet on the E train platform and feeling loneliness settle uncomfortably in his stomach. The station is bustling and someone’s yelling something about churros two feet away from Felix but it’s too quiet. It’s eighty degrees but it’s too cold. There are people all around him but none of them are Hyunjin.

Felix hates it. He turns the music on his headphones up and glares at the bright pop of color on his phone as he lines up another three purple candies. He probably looks like every other angry emo teenager on the subway, but how is he supposed to follow Changbin’s advice when Hyunjin’s avoiding him like the plague?

Felix matches four red candies and watches them combine into some horribly cheery looking power up. In his head, Jisung slams his chicken over rice down on the courtyard steps next to Felix and says, way too loudly, _Stop being so sad-angry or I swear on Kendrick’s Pulitzer, I’ll drag Hyunjin’s ass here myself and—_ Thankfully Changbin had slapped his hand over Jisung’s mouth and wrestled him down onto the steps as inconspicuously as possible while every kid eating lunch in the courtyard turned and stared. 

Jisung had a point. _Stop being so sad-angry_ , Felix reminds himself, sliding a green candy into place and trying not to let his brain turn the chain reaction of exploding candies into some pathetic metaphor for his life.

Yeah. It’s pretty bad.

Then, on Friday, Felix is shuffling his feet on the platform again when he glimpses a familiar shock of dark hair coming down the escalator.

Felix is actually pretty impressed that he’d managed to avoid encountering Hyunjin along their identical commutes all week, but of course, his luck has to run out on the last day before he can safely escape into the weekend. He’s a mature, almost-adult. He will not turn tail and run, or duck behind a column, or jump into the tracks, or—

He ducks behind a column.

Craning his neck, Felix sees Hyunjin walk past him. Hyunjin’s glancing around, as if he’s looking for someone. For one, barely-there second, Felix swears their eyes meet. 

Felix whips his head back around, heart halfway up his throat. His mind swings wildly between wanting Hyunjin to come over and hoping that Hyunjin hadn’t seen him at all.

Hyunjin doesn’t come over. 

It hurts in a weird, uncomfortably self-aware way, that Hyunjin had probably seen him and walked right past anyway. Felix isn’t someone that needs to be around people, but Hyunjin’s _always_ been around. 

Five minutes later, when Felix gets a text from Jisung, he doesn’t think twice.

 **sungie, 4:12 PM:** _There’s a party on Elm and 60th today. Wanna roll? Seungmin, Hyunjin, and Chan said they’re busy but a bunch of us are going!_

 **chex mix, 4:12 PM:** _yeah ofc_

  
  
  
  


+++++

  
  
  
  


The party is awful, of course, because Felix hates parties and he makes terrible decisions. 

The first thing Changbin says when he sees Felix is “Where’s Hyunjin?” Felix knows it’s his way of caring, of checking up on Felix’s life but that doesn’t make it any less annoying. Felix is barely half way through a shrug when Changbin’s eyebrows shoot up under his fringe and he says, “ _Lee Felix is that Hwang Hyunjin’s jacket._ ”

Felix flinches. He’d _known_ it was bad idea to wear it. “Shut up, it’s just the one I stole from him last year. It’s practically _my_ jacket now,” Felix hisses defensively. 

Changbin’s eyebrows don’t come back down. He opens his mouth, closes it. Looks Felix up and down. “...Your mind works in interesting ways, you know that?”

Felix rolls his eyes and forcibly pushes down the urge to hide. He’s aware of the implications, all too aware, and it makes his head spin. He knows it doesn’t make sense that he’s wearing it but not speaking to Hyunjin, knows that maybe he shouldn’t, maybe he can’t. 

“It’s just a jacket,” he mutters, and it’s not really a lie. It’s one of his favorite jackets, perfect for the slightly chilly nights of the ephemeral space between spring and summer. But he has other jackets, and he’d grabbed this particular one anyway. If he had to explain what had made him do it, Felix might compare it to leaning out of a window just to see how far you can go, or prodding a sleeping cat just to see if it might wake up (and claw you in the face). So. Not the best explanation. 

Changbin sighs one, deep, overly dramatic sigh, and leaves it alone. But not before a very pointed, snide, “Yeah, just a jacket and a week’s worth of emotional constipation.”

Felix is a mature almost-adult and absolutely does not push Changbin into a ping pong table.

  
  
  
  


Jisung finds him on the couch. He squeezes himself into the space between Felix and the armrest, jostling Felix into moving over and making room. 

“So,” Jisung says conversationally.

Felix makes a face. Jisung’s eyebrows are doing that thing they do when he’s trying to figure out how to broach a subject. “What?” Felix asks warily, shifting over and putting another inch between them.

“Hyunjin texted me,” Jisung begins, sounding not unlike someone opening the door to a burning house and wondering out loud, _Is it safe?_

Felix wills himself not to get up, say something stupid like _oops, left my stove on_ , and run the hell away. That would be lame and Felix is better than that.

“He told me to remind you,” Jisung continues, infuriatingly slow like he’s dismantling a bomb, “That the E train track is undergoing maintenance right now and you should take the F home.”

A lot of things run through Felix’s mind at that, namely _how the fuck does he know I’m here_ , but the only sound that makes it out of his mouth is a sharp, “I knew that.” Felix winces at his tone. 

Jisung barely even blinks, and Felix has to try very hard not to look away from his searching eyes. “He also said to stay safe.”

Felix grabs the nearest cushion and presses his face into it. “How does he even know I’m here.”

Jisung shrugs. “Pretty sure you’re on Jeongin’s Snapchat story. And Minho’s.”

So not only does Hyunjin know Felix, who doesn’t even like parties, is at a party without him, he probably also saw that Felix is at a party without him and _wearing his jacket_. Felix makes some weird, dying noise, and half-heartedly hopes that the cushion muffles it. From the way Jisung pats his knee consolingly, no luck.

“He said, and I quote, ‘don’t tell Felix I’m texting you this but please make sure he doesn’t die.’ Here I am, telling you anyway because I feel like you need a reminder how ridiculously gone for you a certain Hwang Hyunjin is.”

“Ah yes, ‘Please make sure he doesn’t die,’ the peak of modern romance,” Felix mutters, trying to ignore the way his heart softens. “God, why didn’t the dumb ass just text _me_?”

“Hey.” Jisung nudges Felix’s knee until he lifts his eyes and meets Jisung’s gaze again. “I told him he should just text you and all that, and you know what he said?”

“What,” Felix asks reluctantly.

“He said, ‘I can’t. I messed up and I don’t think Felix wants to talk to me.’”

“Oh,” Felix says, _oh_. 

“That’s not true right? That you don’t want to talk to him?”

“No,” Felix exhales. “That’s not true.”

Jisung stares for a few seconds, then he abruptly stands up and hauls Felix to his feet. Hands on Felix’s shoulders, eyes wide with understanding, Jisung says, “You wanna go home?”

  
  
  
  


Five minutes later, Felix is at the door, but Jisung is lingering, fussing. Felix sighs. “Jisung, I can’t go if you don’t let go of me.”

“Okay, okay,” Jisung mutters, letting go of Felix’s shoulders. “You’re sure you don’t want me to leave with you?”

“It’s really okay, I had like, half a beer,” Felix says with as much nonchalance as he can muster. “You have to go home with Jeongin later, remember?”

Jisung squints. “If you say so. Don’t die, Hyunjin will drown me in the east river. And I might miss you.”

Felix tries to roll his eyes, he really does, but he’s smiling hard and it kind of ruins the effect. He pulls Jisung into a hug. “Don’t tell Changbin but you’re my favorite,” he says into Jisung’s hair.

Jisung laughs, but when he lets go of Felix, his eyes are serious and searching. The Jisung Look, Felix patents in his head. Jisung is an intensely sincere, deeply perceptive person, and after so many years The Jisung Look still makes him feel exposed, but safe. “Your _real_ favorite thinks you don’t want to talk to him. Get home safe, and fix all this tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay,” Felix promises, and he surprises himself with how sincere he sounds.

  
  
  
  


Of course, he falls asleep on the bus. 

  
  
  
  


When Felix wakes up, the sky is still dark, there’s no one else left on the bus, and he has no idea where is. He squints out of the window. It turns out he _does_ know where he is, it’s just about thirty streets away from he’s supposed to be. It also happens to be two streets away from where Hyunjin lives, because that’s just the kind of cruel joke the universe likes to play on him.

He presses the request stop button and tries not to panic about the fact that it’s almost one already and he doesn’t have enough money left in his metrocard left to take another bus back.

The bus lurches to a stop a street later. Felix thanks the bus driver, wishes him a goodnight, and steps off onto the street. He knows this place. It would be easy to turn the corner, walk three blocks, and knock on Hyunjin’s door. He would know the way blindfolded.

Instead, he grudgingly tugs the sleeves of Hyunjin’s varsity jacket over his fingers—because it’s stupidly cold and he would rather wear the ugly thing than freeze to death—and seriously contemplates walking thirty streets home by himself at 1 am.

His phone pings. It’s a text from Hyunjin. _Did you get home safely_ , it reads, in tiny black letters on his glowing phone screen and Felix gets the vague impression that he’s being mocked by higher powers. 

Fuck it, he thinks, it’s really fucking cold and late and he’s too tired to walk thirty streets. He turns the corner.

 _I slept past my stop and I’m kind of outside of your house, open the door,_ Felix types. 

He deletes it. Two more blocks left. 

_I don’t want to be here either, but I kind of am and it’s cold, let me in. I should return your jacket anyway._

He deletes that too. One more block left.

_Thanks for asking. Tell your mom I’m sorry I’m bothering you guys so late. I know we’re kind of weird right now, but I don’t really have anywhere else to go._

In the end, he just shuffles his feet awkwardly on Hyunjin’s porch and sends a simple _open the door_.

Hyunjin opens the door.

“I didn’t come here on purpose, I swear. I slept past my stop,” Felix blurts, because he’s an idiot.

“Oh,” Hyunjin says. He’s wearing ugly flannel pajama pants and a worn lax team shirt from ninth grade and there are a million things Felix wants to say to him. Hyunjin’s hair is sticking up all over the place like he’d been sleeping, but his eyes are clear and awake and focused on Felix’s face like he’s looking for something there. “Okay. Come in, I guess.”

Hyunjin calls for his mom, tells her Felix slept past his stop. He doesn’t make some stupid joke like he normally would about Felix missing his stop on purpose just to see him, and Felix isn’t sure if he’s thankful for that or if it just makes him sad. 

Hyunjin’s mom gives him a hug and that makes him feel a little bit better. She calls Felix’s mom to tell her that he’s here and not dead in a ditch somewhere. “Oh my god, that idiot,” he can hear his mom saying over the phone. “I’ll come to pick him up in five minutes.”

Of course, Hyunjin’s mom insists she stay home and that it’s perfectly fine, Felix can just stay the night. It’s no problem at all, she promises. Except it kind of is. Felix wants to speak up and say _no, please pick me up mom it’s not because I’m trying to be polite I just don’t really want to be here._ But that would be weird and stupid and neither Hyunjin’s nor his own mom need to hear Felix’s bullshit. So he simply thanks her, takes the phone for a second to apologize to his mom and get yelled at for being an idiot, then follows Hyunjin upstairs to his room.

“Sorry I woke you up.” Felix hovers awkwardly just inside Hyunjin’s doorway.

“I wasn’t sleeping.” Hyunjin tosses him a pair of sweatpants and a shirt Felix sort of recalls Hyunjin getting at lacrosse championships last year. Why are _all_ of Hyunjin’s clothes lacrosse related, Felix thinks with an irrational twinge of annoyance. “I texted you, didn’t I?”

“You did.” 

Hyunjin looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands anymore. “You, um,” he waves a hand vaguely at Felix. “My jacket.”

Felix flinches despite himself. He feels his cheeks warming, and he immediately begins slipping it off.

“No, wait,” Hyunjin exclaims, then immediately looks like he regrets ever opening his mouth. Felix pauses, his arm halfway out of the jacket. Hyunjin opens and closes his mouth a few times, floundering like a fish out of water. “I didn’t mean like, give it back right now. I don’t mind you wearing it. You look good wearing it.” Hyunjin’s bright red, like stop sign red or ketchup red and fuck, Felix is apparently kind of short-circuiting too because _ketchup_? He hates ketchup.

“I was just,” Hyunjin gestures vaguely again. “Making an observation. That you’re wearing my jacket.”

And Felix knows Hyunjin has a terrible habit of rambling, so he cuts him off before Hyunjin can embarrass himself to death. “I was just going to shower anyway, so, you can have it back. Now. Because I’m going to shower.” 

Maybe he should’ve just let Hyunjin keep rambling because now _he’s_ floundering. 

Hyunjin nods mutely, face still pink. Felix slips off the jacket, tosses it in Hyunjin’s general direction, and high tails it out of the room as fast as he can, short of sprinting. 

  
  
  
  


In the shower, sometime between scrubbing the grime of his skin and reaching for Hyunjin’s shampoo without even realizing it—he would always use it whenever he stayed the night—Felix realizes, an urgent, surging wave of a thing, that whatever it is he’s waiting for, there isn’t _time_ to wait for it. 

  
  
  
  


They climb into bed quietly. Felix is lost in his own thoughts, which is a nice way of saying “panicking.” He doesn’t realize that his silence is making Hyunjin jittery until Hyunjin tosses and turns for the sixth time, accidentally bumps Felix’s knee under the covers, and jumps a foot in the air.

The look on Hyunjin’s face is priceless, and any other day, Felix would laugh. But tonight, he breathes, once, twice, three times, and taps Hyunjin’s arm until Hyunjin meets his eyes.

“You thought I didn’t want to talk to you?” Felix asks, and almost asks again because his voice was so soft he wasn’t sure if Hyunjin had heard.

Hyunjin cringes. “Of course Jisung told you.”

“Well yeah, but—” Felix pauses. He wants to do this right. “I always want to talk to you. You know that, right?”

Hyunjin’s eyes are wide, and Felix sees surprise, sheepishness, and a lot of shades of warmth he doesn’t quite recognize. “Of course I know that,” Hyunjin says, slowly, carefully—ever so carefully.

Felix thinks back to the conversation with Jisung on the couch, the way he had brought up Hyunjin like he was dismantling a bomb, or navigating a minefield. Hyunjin and Felix, this thing they have, it’s—it’s _something_ , but it’s not a _bomb_ , or a minefield. Danger, uncertainty, the need to be careful—Felix hates feeling these things with Hyunjin. He’s sick of being careful. 

“I’m going to talk to you now, because I _like_ talking to you, but I’m gonna need you to push me off the bed if I say anything stupid, okay?”

Hyunjin raises an eyebrow and doesn’t bother to bite back his smile. “Okay.”

Felix sucks in a deep breath. _This is it_ , he thinks, or as Changbin might say— _fucking finally_. Felix opens his mouth, and talks. 

It’s—it’s surprisingly fine. Easy, even, to admit that he’d been scared. That he _is_ scared, but he knows now that there are a lot of things more important to him than fear.

Hyunjin’s leaning in the way he does whenever he wants someone to know he’s paying attention, and it’s so fucking cute Felix almost loses track of his thought mid-sentence. It’s a near thing, but he manages to plow on. “I’m sorry I made you think I didn’t want to talk to you. You kissed me, and I—” Felix knows his cheeks are bright red and the only thing keeping him from bolting is Hyunjin’s wide eyes pinning him in place. “I was stupid about it.” Felix winces at how it sounds, but it’s too late to backtrack now. “Let me try again?”

Hyunjin’s smile is blinding, even in the dark. “Okay,” he breathes, and his voice sends a thrill down Felix’s spine.

“I’ve been thinking—I mean, you didn’t even get rid of me last year when I dabbed after, like, every single sentence and remember when I risked my life to defend your dumb ass during the Munchlax Fiasco of 2015? I guess, I guess what I’m saying is that we’re—I think we’re pretty hard to separate. I shouldn’t have ever doubted that. It’s just that you’re really, really important to me and—” Felix’s mind seems to finally catch up with his mouth, and he flushes immediately. “Oh my god, just interrupt me and say you like me too already.”

Hyunjin’s grin only grows wider, teasing. “I did that already. Remember?”

It takes Felix a second to remember Minho’s kitchen floor and Hyunjin’s hand fisted in his shirt and his lips—”That doesn’t count,” Felix manages, trying to ignore the flush creeping up his neck. He’s red enough already. “ _I_ just embarrassed myself for you. You have to do it properly too.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin says, nose brushing Felix’s cheek. “I like you a lot.”

“That was like four words, you cheater—” Felix manages to get out before they fall into each other again and he can’t think anymore.

A few seconds, minutes—Felix doesn’t know—later, Hyunjin pulls away just enough to speak, words tumbling straight from his mouth into Felix’s. “I really do like you a lot. Have for a long time. And I’m not scared of the future because I trust you and I know we’ll figure it out no matter what. You’ve been around for way too long for me to let go so easily.” Hyunjin presses his lips to Felix’s again, a short, brief thing, but long enough that Felix can make out the shape of his smile against his lips. “That was a lot of words, right?”

Felix elbows him and buries his traffic light red face in his hands. “I changed my mind, stop talking and just kiss me instead.”

Hyunjin laughs and gently tugs his hands away, interlacing their fingers and reaching up with his other hand to push Felix’s hair back. His palm warm against Felix’s temple, Hyunjin comments absentmindedly, “Your hair’s getting so long.” His breath grazes the curve of Felix’s cheek and their feet tangle beneath their blankets. Then, closer still, the future lapping at their ankles and his lips moving against Felix’s, Hyunjin says, “You’ll always be my day one.”

Then Felix is kissing Hyunjin for real and in that moment, he feels brave, bold enough to dip his head below the rising tide of the future because he knows there will be someone there to pull him up for air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this really kind of became a trainwreck as i continued to write it, but i'm happy i finished. thanks for reading!! leave kudos and comments, they make me very happy and sometimes i cry about them late at night. lastly and most importantly, if you also hate ketchup please tell me,,, we are few and we must stick together :')

**Author's Note:**

> as always, yell at me about anything on [twitter](https://twitter.com/straylixed) or [cc](https://curiouscat.me/straylixed)


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